Touch yourself, together
The humble mutual maz! It’s often fobbed off as not ‘real’ sex or something reserved for horny high schoolers, but hear me out: don’t knock it til you try it. Mutual masturbation is the act of masturbating with or in front of your partner and it can be a deeply pleasurable and intimate act to add to your sexual repertoire.
It’s a great way to enhance physical and emotional intimacy with your partner and it takes the pressure off to have sex that 'should' look a certain way. Sex isn’t always (and doesn’t have to be) high energy—masturbating together is a brilliant option for when you want to connect sexually but you’re feeling tired, stressed, or low on spoons.
It would be remiss of me to gloss over the kink overtones here: you get to embrace your inner voyeur while you watch and your inner exhibitionist as you are watched. Thrilling!
Aside from being daydream level hot, it’s also the best sex education you can get because your partner learns how to bring you pleasure from an expert: you. Your partner gets to witness what gets you off—how you like to be touched, how you move your hands and body, what pace, pressure and rhythm you like, and the erogenous zones you focus on.
It’s worth mentioning that you might feel vulnerable and a little awkward at first—after all, what was once private is now shared—but you’re building intimacy through vulnerability. Even if you’ve been with your partner for a long time, masturbating in front of someone else (or even talking about masturbation!) can be uncomfortable. If you’re feeling nervous, you’re not alone—I speak to so many people who feel ashamed about sex and masturbation. Most of us are used to masturbating by ourselves and we’re often taught directly or indirectly that masturbation is shameful or weird. Sharing this once private realm with our partner can feel intimidating at first, but it’s also very empowering. Pleasure on your terms? As Britney would say, ‘gimme more’.
Ready for some sexy self lovin’ with your partner? Read on for my Guide to Mutual Masturbation.
Talk about it. If you’re interested in exploring mutual masturbation with your partner, find a time to chat about your desires. Let them know you want to try something new—and why. You might say something like “I read an article about mutual masturbation the other day, it sounds so hot! Are you down to try it?” or “I’d love to masturbate together and watch each other. How would you feel about that?” Give your partner time to think about it before they respond. Consent is critical—if it’s not a fuck yes, table it and revisit it in the future.
Set the scene. Take the time to create a sensual space to surrender to pleasure. Put fresh sheets on the bed, dim the lights, light a candle, and press play on a sexy playlist. You might like to have some lube and sex toys nearby and a towel or pH-balanced wipes on hand for post-pleasure cleanup.
Get out of your head and into your body. You’re masturbating with your partner, not performing for your partner. Ground and centre yourself so you can be fully present in this experience with your partner and luxuriate in the sexy vibes.
Get into position. Move into your fave maz position and take a moment to connect with your partner. You might like to eye gaze for a few minutes, share some soft kisses, or bring one hand to heart and one hand to genitals as you take some deep breaths together. If you’d like to spice things up, here are some saucy positions to try:
Side-by-side: sit or lay side-by-side
On the Edge: sit on the edge of a chair or bed with your legs spread
Full Frontal: sit, lay, stand, or kneel facing each other
Ride ‘Em: one person lays on their back while the other straddles or kneels between their legs
Reflect: position yourselves in front of a mirror so you can watch the action
Witnessing: take turns masturbating while your partner witnesses you
However, you don’t always have to masturbate together—if only one of you is in the mood, one partner can give themselves some lovin’ while the other watches, holds you, kisses you, or caresses you. This can be a deeply intimate experience!
You’re masturbating with your partner, not performing for your partner.
Build arousal. Don’t rush straight to the sweet spots—slow things down and take your time building arousal in your whole body. Caress, stroke, breathe, move, and tease.
Follow the pleasure. Mutual masturbation ain’t about performing, it’s about releasing into pleasure with your partner. Masturbate in a way that feels good for you—with or without toys, in a position that feels comfortable and sensual, using your favourite types of touch/pressure/rhythm/pace.
Talk dirty. If you’re down with dirty talk, this can be a super hot way to compliment your partner, share your desires, and turn up the heat. You might like to describe how you’re touching yourself and invite your partner to do the same, and dish out some verbal encouragement by telling them how good it feels, how hot they look when they touch themselves, how turned on they’re making you, and when you’re about to come.